Boyfriend says it’s important to get up and shower every day.
He says, Leave the house for something. You have to or you’ll go crazy.
I tell him, No major life decisions when you’re manic, and he agrees.
We talk for nearly an hour, his manic chatter recognized and named, my seizure-like anxiety (it’s sudden and physical, every molecule screaming to my central nervous system Something terrible is about to happen to you) tamed.
Thank the stars that he and I rarely sync up on symptoms. He’s Italian with a temper, and we’re both good with words.
The risk isn’t yelling, I said. We were gliding south on Lake Shore, one of our first car rides together. It’s sadness. We’ll drown if we’re not careful.
So we are.
Some mornings I wake up to a message that says, Love, I’m not okay today. On a good day, I ask him what I can do and he tells me, Nothing, you’re doing it. It’ll get better. It’s just bad right now. And it always does.
But self-awareness binds us; we disintegrate without it. We make nooses of guilt and stare at one another across gallows on the bad ones. We hallucinate fingers of blame, carve black holes in the sky around us. Climb inside.
When we come back out to breathe, we confess and offer absolution.
It’s okay to fall off the edge sometimes. Just try not to. Unless you need it, love. Then I want you to float.